MK forum

I will begin my testimony by saying that over many years of careful study of child abuse at NTM, Puraquequara, Brasil near Manaus, I have returned to PQQ over 500 times in my mind to try to find answers as to what happened to me. My heart aches for those who have been hurt. This was “paradise gone wrong” for many children.

We arrived in PQQ in 1957 and our family left in 1970. I was about 5 when we arrived. At 7 years of age, I entered the school system never to be normal again. The harshness of the disciplinarian, controlling, religious zealots (who were NOT Christianity Christians) damaged me for life. By the age of 10, I had lost my self esteem because of this disgusting treatment. I received disgraceful punishment for very small wrongs. At this time, I was a Level 2 child abuse victim (Scale 1-10). I continued this mental deterioration until I was 17. I was removed from playing sports because of my grades which were deteriorating because of this abuse. I was humiliated!

It was hard to study because of the 90 degree heat in the schools and no air conditioning or fans. This is your brain on DRUGS child abuse, A FRIED EGG!! Boom!! I am trying to get the “DENIALISTS” to get it! It’s like having your brain injected with acid! Boom again! Will this stick now???!!! I hope so. Would you like to be a boy or girl called “IT” or are we precious and priceless children of God? Get it now??!!

Why couldn’t any of the good people that were there see my treatment and protect me from these predators? This system had one central kingpin -- the school principal. He was a controlling, perfectionistic, religious, disciplinarian zealot, along with his minions who believed in this man. This enabled these abusers to hurt many children with psychological and physical battery. There is NO EXCUSE for this behavior. I was humiliated, frustrated and disgusted by the atmosphere of FEAR that was created by them. No one came to my rescue. NO ONE!! I needed protection and I was given none. By age 13, I was a Level 5 child abuse victim. I was “fading to black.” I received a spanking at age 16 that made every inch of my butt black and blue. It was impossible to sit for six weeks. This was my second vicious spanking that I received for small infractions. At this point, I became a Level 10 child abuse victim who would eventually require psychotherapy. It is not the number of spankings that you receive, it is the FEAR of them because of the brutality. I know that many other kids were also receiving severe spankings quite often for small infractions. I can still hear their screaming in my mind.

These statements are only the tip of the iceberg of what we could tell you. You do not have the time to read 100 pages. These atrocities perpetrated against these wonderful kids should NOT have happened. There is NO excuse!

The spiritual abuse I experienced was also devastating because when the gap between “what you teach and preach” from “what they did” was from some adults so wide that a child could not possibly process something this contradictory. When this happens, the Holy Spirit is ripped right out of your heart and rearranges your total concept about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

How could this happen in a beautiful paradise like PQQ? If these “zealots” would have acted like the local Brasileiros, we would have potentially developed fairly normally, but this was not the case.

I cried out many times to God for help, but got none. Why? Why? Why? To this day, this makes no sense to me. Children require protection! Where was it?

When I returned to the USA, I was missing 6 cylinders of my 8 cylinder engine. Remember: You need all of your eight cylinders to survive in the rat race of American life. “Sink or swim” they said … and I sank. The leaders/teachers in PQQ thought they were protecting us from the big, bad world, but instead they discharged us from our protective environment only to be thrown into a world that we knew nothing about – a truly terrifying world we were unequipped to live in.

For a while, I honestly thought I was poisoned (possibly by mercury, lead, or DDT) until I talked to other MK’s who had a lot of my same problems. I slowly put this puzzle together until I developed a clearer picture of what had happened to me and my wonderful friends at PQQ.

This is a list of problems that victims of child abuse suffer:

1. Unable to handle stress.
2. Fear of all authority figures – inability to speak up when someone is harming you because of fear of punishment.
3. Short term memory loss.
4. Disorganized (can’t keep a checkbook).
5. Headaches from stress.
6. Loss of self worth.
7. Anger/rage.
8. Unable to concentrate.
9. Loneliness in a crowd.
10. Feeling you are in “No Man’s Land.”
11. Frustration.
12. Scatter brained (drifty).
13. Always in distress mode after working.
14. Disgust toward all religious people.
15. Depression.
16. No control over your life.
17. Easy to feel rejected.
18. Hatred of the sound of beating and the screaming when “spankings” are happening (even on TV).
19. Can’t keep a job.
20. Obsessive fear of mean barking dogs (a representation of authority figures “barking” at you).
21. Paranoid (suspicious of other’s intentions).
22. Poor grades.
23. The feeling that you need to do everything perfectly even though you don’t like perfectionists.
24. Obsessive craving for kind words.
25. Insecurity.
26. Insomnia.

Would you really expect the people (who are characterized by the above list) to be able to survive in today’s USA? If you think so, you have a distorted value system. This should NOT happen to ANY child. We need to step up and help these abused kids who now could be adults. Step up now! Not next year!

Remember this: The abusers of victims of child abuse are adults. Even when these victims become adults, their abusers are still adults having unrealistic expectations of them. Many times they are a 2 cylinder engine in an 8 cylinder engine world. Believe it!

DON’T TRY TO BLAME THE ABUSED – BLAME THE ABUSER!!!!!

The abused might drink a beer or two, but they don’t need your judgment, they need your love and understanding and grace. Think about this!

In this paradise called PQQ, I cannot forget some of the fantastic people like Bernie and Doreen Ketcham who were wonderful examples of what a Christian should be. God bless them! They saved my life. Bernie could look at you when you made a mistake and you would fall back in line because you had so much respect for his gentle style. Children will eat out of the hand of those whom they respect. Thank you Bernie and Doreen – you still remain my heroes.

Robert and Ruth Allen were also great examples of what a Christian should be. They were “hoodwinked” by the “powers that be.” They put their complete trust in a system that failed them miserably.

Brown Gold people are priceless, but so are these MK kids. We need to raise money to help these 2 cylinder engines survive in the madness of the end times with many religious zealots around. For all of you who live in denial – open your hearts – the truth is alive and well waiting for you in heaven.

This was written with the help of the Holy Spirit. I can’t write, believe me, because I have not written a single page in 42 years. My name is “Scatterbrains.” I have forgiven those who have hurt me.

In closing, I would like to say that helping those who were abused will help you heal, a “little bird” told me so and it came from heaven where Jesus sits on His throne waiting to return to rescue us from this “end times” madness.

HANG IN THERE! THERE IS HOPE FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE! NEVER stop believing in Jesus!

All those of you at PQQ who are true believers, when the full moon rises over the giant kapok tree by the little school, please say these words:

JESUS IS COMING SOON – OUR REDEMPTION DRAWS NIGH!

I love all of you! To be continued….

Thank You and God Bless,
Scatterbrained
“Amigo das criancas abusados”

Thank you, Scatterbrained, for your very powerful post. We welcome you here, and hope to hear more from you.

Some of us came out of our MK experience with a strong faith and hope in God.

Others did not. But everyone is welcome here to express their faith or lack of it. We are healing together.

Would you mind if I copied your excellent and helpful post under the PQQ thread? Just in case someone might come on line and only read some threads, and not all of them? I would like for anyone and everyone who has any connection to PQQ to read your post and take it to heart. But I will not copy your post there unless you say it's okay.

Thanks so much for being here!

Thank you Scatterbrain for having the courage to post. Welcome to the healing journey. Praying God will continue to heal you and give you peace. I think Raz has a good idea to repost on PQQ thread.

Scatterbrained, you are NOT that!
Your post was very well-organized and thoughtfully written.
And makes us even sadder to think how many grew up that way.
Just in W. Brazil alone.
Very thankful that you were willing to share.
It opens our eyes
And hearts to reality.

Thank you, Scatterbrained, for making the effort to post and put into words what you have experienced. It may not have been easy for you, but you expressed yourself quite well.

I am so sorry for everything that you were subjected to and I am outraged by your story, just as I am with so many others. I am tired of hearing how people who are supposed to be exhibiting the mind of Christ are, instead, more interested in building their own kingdom...and those who suffer are often the children. I am glad to hear you have been able to process and find some answers...may you continue to do so...

I relate to your feelings that nobody came to your rescue...looking back, I can tell that I (and others) exhibited classic signs of abuse (sexual and other), but there was nobody who was trained to spot those symptoms, to care for those kids who may have been hurt, to ensure a loving, caring, safe environment that children need to be healthy. We were let down in the worst sort of way.

I got to 17 on your list and felt some pretty strong emotions reading it...as you have said, let the healing begin!

SO SAD! Full stop.

Thank you for sharing your story Scatterbrained. I strongly identified with 14 on your list. I had never thought of 13." Always in distress mode after working." before as being associated with abuse but I think you are correct. I think it comes from fear that we did not do our job well enough, we are sure we never will.

Your story is heartbreaking. Why o why did so many of us land in abusive situations? Glad you have survived even if only on two cylinders. Like Bemused said we all need a tune up, to bad it seems to be taking me years. But everyone here is an encouragement. Glad you joined us.

First off let me say that you have done a great job in communicating what your life has been like since ntm helped you be a better person. And sad to say your story is what many of our lives have become.

I feel for you and know what it is like to be left in the usa with no goals in life, no sense of self or where to even begin. You are nothing anymore but a number that once lived in another land, you have no face to these people anymore, they have used you up for their personal self gratification, to feel like somebody for once in their disgusting miserable life. Just remember most of them would never make it here and have never even had a real job, they are simply a charity that ask for stuff, that uses guilt to get what they wan't out of people. In the game of chess they use god as their king.

So I feel every word you wrote and am glad you found some good people from NTM in your life. I can't say their is one person I have any respect for.

My family returned to the U.S. literally the day after my high school graduation ceremony. I remember trying to say a proper goodbye to the school and Colombia before we left, but I didn't know how...that summer I went into deep depression, suffered some serious insomnia and contemplated suicide. The Reentry program at Camdenton was helpful in a way (I learned how to open a bank account and make a telephone call), but even when they identified me as struggling emotionally and at risk, nothing much was done that I remember and it only made me feel vulnerable and ashamed that I was struggling.

I enrolled at NTM Bible School for the fall, where at least life was somewhat familiar. I kind of wanted to go to college, but was too afraid to strike out on my own. I was not prepared for finding a job and hated the one I had, but didn't have the skills or credentials to get another. I was completely unprepared for life back 'home' and it was very difficult to fit in to any church or social circles. In some ways I was mature beyond my years and in others very much like a little child. Not a good time in my life and hard to think about now...