MK forum

Come back and lurk anytime, shadowspring! This is a very big room and you are always welcome.

Shadowspring, I am so sad for you and your husband!
We saw this effect regarding one couple on our field and how they dis-regarded their children and grandchildren. We couldn't understand it.
I know the pain of a parent who only thinks of themself and is a terrific manipulator. You never get over it. (Themself is not a word, but I can't say it any other way here.)
You are so right about just being yourself and living your message wherever you go. That's how anyone is supposed to live anywhere!
I am glad you felt you could share here, Shadowspring. So many understand. Come back anytime for however long.

Not to excuse any of your in-laws' responses or behavior, but I can't help but wonder how much of their inability to recall, or their overall attitude is/was a coping mechanism. I've seen similar responses, on a smaller scale, from many missionaries who had to send their kids away to boarding school. Their memories are select (happy) ones, and they've blocked any negative memories or awareness.

Again, not to excuse...but I am trying to make sense of this for myself.

Any thoughts??

We are not missionaries

Actually, many of us are not "missionaries" and have never been. I was so turned off by what I saw growing up that I wanted nothing to do with it and had a hard heart where God was concerned. In fact, after high school I did not go to college for a year because my father said I had to go to a christian college (any christian college) if I went that year but could go where I wanted if I waited a year. (I was 16 when I graduated so that was probably a smart move on his part rather than sending me off to be self sufficient at that age, but I didn't look at it that way at the time) I eventually went to a christian college of my choice, one that would not have passed muster with most NTM people because while it was conservative, it would not have been conservative enough. It was during those years that my faith became my own. I still struggle with what I feel is a distant God, but realize that is probably more from my experience and view of God as a child. Yes, I am involved in church. No, I have not felt the "call" to foreign missions. I do share my faith with others on a one to one basis when I feel the person is open or wants to know more, but I try to be sensitive to their needs. I think we are are to be a light wherever we are. There are "christian" people, some of them in missions or full time ministry, that I won't have anything to do with because to me they are more about pride and dogma than forgiveness and love.

I wonder how many 'retired' missionies feel empty inside. Nothing left now that they aren't overseas 'serving the Lord' So they brag on things trying to feel important and trying to convince themselves that their lives counted for something.

If you are taught (NTM)that the only thing important is serving the Lord in missions and now you don't have that..emptiness...grasp at straws

Any thoughts?

Yes, I think that is so true. NTM is the yardstick by which everything is measured. If they are retired, when they speak to others about their children and grandchildren, the ones who are "in the work" are always showcased. If not in NTM, then if they can at least put them on a pedestal of being in some other mission or type of ministry, they will do so. The other grandchildren are hardly worth mentioning.

As for their own daily activities, the ones they take pride in are the ones that contain some component of ministry. Something as mundane as fishing or gardening is almost embarrassing, if it is not in some way doing good for someone.

Someone once remarked to me that their missionary parents always had an ulterior motive for any relationship they ever cultivated, both abroad and at home. They couldn't just be friends with someone because they enjoyed them or clicked with them. They must be doing it to have some type of eternal impact on their lives, or to gain financial support so others could be reached for Christ.

As this has clarified for me in regard to my own parents, I see how focused they have always been on behavior, rather than just relaxing in God's unconditionally loving embrace. So much of their faith walk has been performance-focused, which then just glorifies the human performer rather than the Father.

Some of this may be a generational thing that would be common among the World War II generation. That generation grew up so devoted to sacrifice and giving their all for the greater good.

But yes, if all opportunities for selfless service are taken away from them, I think they feel quite empty. And so they live in the past, focusing on all they accomplished. And they don't want to hear or think about any pain they may have caused in any member of their family along the way.

Big sigh .....

Amen Raz, so many of the retirees only associate with their own or else with other fightin fundies. I think not many of them could understand the damage done because they really believe that they are special and God would never let them do any damage to their own children so it must be the child`s fault when they are fffed up.
Shadowspring it is OK to be angry about this. God has given me great peace about some of this but it still takes very little to bring back the rage. So much to unlearn.

I like to think of them in the category of "loving the unlovables" - So it's my calling to love every creature out there, maybe not with respect for what they've done or said in their lifetime, but at the most basic level--love them because they were created by God and still loved by God. So to me they are with 1) loving the baby with the misshapen head that screeches instead of coos 2) the guys walking down the street with the waist of their plaid shorts at thigh level 3) girlfriend from college that never asks about your life

God doesn't call us to necessarily move in with them, go to their Sunday School class, or take their rantings seriously . . .but, when they are in our life, we listen for any heartfelt needs, observe, and do what we can to help, maintaining an integrity of who you are at the same time. I know it's hard, but I've seen so many loosen up and mellow out, and start appreciating others when they don't have so much to lose.

You have some wisdom, Allbetter.
Thanks for sharing that.
It is worth thinking hard about it.
And perhaps doing it.
It takes both heart and grit.......