MK forum

Didn't mean to sound as if I've achieved the right end of the loving everybody spectrum--the ones that seem harder to love are of course the ones who have hurt you the most. One way that this doesn't get too over-burdensome for me is that I try to be specific, like not working in the youth group, but befriending stray kids that end up in my house. And when God brings somebody back into my life after 20 years, I try to pay attention . . .soo . . .NTM is back in my life, what does this mean?

I have a hard time loving my neighbor who turned us into the city . . .I have a hard time loving racists, men in pulpits, the boss who did not honor and praise me enough . It's easy to love those old fart missionaries, because they're not around me anymore.

Wish I could meet you all in person. Pennsylvania really is beautiful if you want to sight-see your way over here. I make a mean sangria.

You had me at Sangria!

Yes--Be who you are.
You are adults.
No big no-nos.
Unless you are planning to abuse someone.
Horrors.

Just letting everyone know that dawn is doing better. Our whole family is together. They all surprised us. We thought that we were babysitting and when we entered the house there wee 4 grandiose and all 9 kids! Thanks 4 your prayers

Worked the overnight with this same kid. Twice, I had to wake him up for painful procedures. Both times he needed convincing that it was medically necessary before he regained his equanimity. Afterwards, I returned to the room next door to wait for the next task, and heard this little clear voice singing--he was singing himself back to sleep.

New Tribes, this forum wouldn't be here if we were convinced that all the right steps are being taken. Please convince us, and we'll let you alone. And Gosh darn it, we WILL be singing.

But isn't this a discussion? Like it's not a treatise, a diatribe, just musings. What's wrong with backtracking? I realized it sounded preachy and arrogant, and then wanted to make it sound better . . .it's a conversation, not a bill to go before the Senate . . .I was never allowed to be angry either . . .it's really, really hard for me to do that, and yes, I'm in therapy. I'm outraged at things, then go straight to depression and hopelessness. So I would like to be a little loyal to my dad, who didn't abuse kids, but sure is arrogant. Yes, he's a missionary. I haven't learned to hate him yet. Really, really sorry for making you feel bad. I'll just take my ambien and go to bed.

I’ve been thinking on why so many children in New Tribes were targeted. I don’t believe that it’s just coincidence. I think New Tribes laid the groundwork in their arrogance and allowed evil people full reign to exist and proliferate.

Since Fanda Eagles, I’ve been remembering a lot. I’ve always had a deep anger at being brainwashed about certain things, the Bible, spirituality, dating, anger…the list goes on. This past year has been very emotional...difficult transitioning from an emotionally dead state.

Since I can remember, I’ve always craved noise. I come from a big family, lived communally, dorms, Bible school dorms, apartment living with roommates. Anytime I was alone I always turned on the radio, t.v., anything to have talking and noise. I could never have silence. Even while reading, I have to have the tv or talk radio on. I fall asleep to talk radio. I cannot drive without talk. Talk, talk , talk. Why can't I just have silence? Why couldn't I listen to myself?

I started meditating about a year ago. This has been a struggle for me. My mind will not stop. My mind plays with my thoughts. Several times I have had thoughts fly through the security net before I could catch them and I’m seized by panic and overwhelming emotion. Many times I sat there in class with tears streaming down my face wondering why. No memories are attached, just an overwhelming sadness.

Then I started remembering something.

I have a brother who has been battling alcoholism for a while. This sweet guy who has the heart and compassion of Mother Theresa can’t deal with his own past and like many looked elsewhere to bury his pain. He who would help anyone couldn’t help himself.

Being the older sister, I had some hints as to his childhood. My memories were flooding back. When we joined the Mission, I was 10 and he was a toddler. I started having memories of living in the boot camp apartments, thin walls and all. I remember laying awake at night listening to my parents’ conversations after their day of classes and work detail. Much talk was of the evidence of abuse that Mom (and sometimes Dad) saw while in nursery and toddlers. She would talk about the bruises on the babies’ legs. Babies!!!!! These were babies, barely toddling around. Bruises on the backs of their thighs from whippings! She and my dad would talk about the Mission telling the parents to believe strongly in ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ and the many other verses in support of whipping your children.

Much of the conversation about the latest childrearing book: The Strong-willed Child, by Dobson. I believe it was assigned reading in boot camp. My brother was immediately labeled. I cannot say for sure at this point if my parents labeled him first or if another in authority did. At 10 years old, a lot was lost in translation. Many, many New Tribers would come to my parents with ‘constructive criticisms’ in how to handle their strong-will child. Most of it involved beating it out of him. My parents were more of the spare the rod people. They did spank, but my mom like organization. She and my dad thought kids should know what was wrong and the consequence that went with it. For example, if we were lazy and didn’t do our chores, we would get a warning that would escalate to grounding. If we directly disobeyed (i.e. do not eat that piece of cake and we ate it) we would get a spanking. Three to five swats were typical. If we lied, spanking. Most of the punishment was grounding. I’m sure that this is why my parents were ‘admonished’ by their peers and superiors. I’m also sure that these people took it upon themselves to make-up for my parents’ deficiencies as good New Tribe parents while my brother was in nursery and toddlers. I remember that evidence. My parents were in the boot camps for several years. After they had completed their training, my dad became a teacher at a boot camp.

My brother, sweet boy, had zero self-esteem. He always expected to be blamed. Always took the punishment. Covered his low self-worth with a wicked sense of humor.

While in the States, he went to public school. Things normalized. He was a boy, just like hundreds of other boys. Mischievous, not evil, not strong-willed.

Then my parents were sent to the Field. He was the target again. My other brothers were able to fly under the radar, but him, not so much. I think that people in the Mission stateside actually forewarned people at the boarding school what to expect from my parents and their kids. There should have been no reason for him to be targeted if they didn’t know anything, but targeted he was - from the very beginning. Because my parents were able to keep the boys with them in their dorm, his abusers had to find opportunity. Again, my parents were admonished. Evidently they didn’t spank the dorm kids enough either. This was taken care of at the school. My parents had no authority at the school. My parents’ dorm kids loved them. They knew they were safe. I do not know what my brother thought. I struggle with resentment that it took so long for my parents to realize some of the abuse and leave the Mission. But they eventually did.

Unfortunately, it was too little too late. In addition, if my parents acknowledged the damage to my brother it would mean they would also have to acknowledge their part in it. The continuing position of not giving validity to the abuse seemed to work to push him further and further into his own hell. When someone is abused and you basically tell them to grow up, forgive, get over it, turn it over to God, etc…you continue the damage. To be so insensitive or naive as to think that they should be able to heal themselves…

My heart has been breaking for years. I don’t remember being physically abused. I hope I wasn’t, but I share my brother’s pain. A young girl should not have to watch the slow murder of her little brother’s spirit. My brother can not bring himself to speak of his abuse with me. He mentioned a couple of incidents after I left. Adults that had nothing to do with my family taking it upon themselves to beat the s@#t out of my brother when the opportunity arose.

Oh yeah...soul suffering.

I hate that book.

Threewillows,

I have no words. Your pain must be so overwhelming. It's so little and almost trite, but I truly am sorry. No matter how many times I hear all these horrific stories of abuse, it still shocks and appalls me.

Abuse is so terribly insidious. I looked that word up because I wanted to put an exact definition with it: "Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects."

I think that, sadly, for many parents, 'insidious' is exactly what happened. (No excuses, though, just saying it like it probably happened for so many). It reminds me of the supposed theory that you can boil a frog to death and he'll never jump out of the pan, because you just heat the water very gradually and he continues to acclimate until he boils to death without ever realizing he was in danger.

I need to say this as vaguely as possible but in a way that means something: I am a parent who is just realizing after 17+ years that I have allowed abuse and control to consume our home. No hitting or sexual abuse, but abuse and severe neglect by one parent nonetheless.

Why did I allow this? I guess because I was 1) just stupid 2) extremely indoctrinated into the whole "godly wives must submit and that means saying 'yes, dear' and encouraging the children to follow suit" and 3) I just really didn't know any better. I grew up this way, so why would it seem so odd to me? And quite honestly, I have prided myself on the fact that *I* was not like my parents! Oh no, I was so much more enlightened.

Again, no excuses. I have no excuses to give my children except that I thought I was doing what was right. I apologize to them a lot. I am desperately trying to remove us from this situation. I will never stop telling them that I grieve that they had to go through this. I will strive to create a better life for them where they do feel loved, stable, cared for, needs met, like they matter...

So for what it's worth, I feel like some of the parents here who have expressed remorse for what their children have suffered. And to see the 'fruit' of the abuse and neglect for years and years to come- it is devastating for parents and children both.

My only hope is that I believe the Lord can redeem any situation and can still work in my children's lives in spite of the fact that I have messed up more than I ever dreamt possible. (Not preaching or being pie-in-the-sky... just stating what gives ME hope.)

So again, on behalf of parents who really do see how blinded we were and how desperate we were to earn man's approval- whether it be NTM or our own spouses- I am so very, truly sorry.

Mrs. M, you make me think.
You make me cry.
You are a blessing for sharing what you have been thinking about.
It's very good to have you back.