I have mixed feelings about this.
I got back from being with my parents in Brasil, allowing my husband to see Brasil for the first time. I didn't take him to see Vianopolis. I guess I didn't want that place to take any more time away from my parents. I had one month with them and it flew by, just like all my vacations had. Now I am left crying and crying, like I'm a kid again. I can't stand the emptiness and hurt I feel inside. All those years robbed from me. And all I get is a stinkin' apology email?!?!
Yesterday I went to a wedding, and I STILL can't get myself to dance with everyone. I stand on the fringe and wiggle my legs like its evil or something. How do you teach someone that its okay after so many years of indoctrination?
And what about my views of God? My number one struggle has been wondering: will God supply for me? (Is it a wonder when I went without shoes or clothes when I was a kid?) Will He leave me (too)? Will I be good enough? Am I doing enough for Him?
I guess Mary needed tears to wash Jesus' feet. I guess that's what I'll go do. I can't wait til heaven when all these tears and bad memories are wiped away and all we are left with is good ones. When we are permanently united with our families, for life, eternal life.
64 = number of days spent traveling back and forth from Vianopolis
64= number of months spent away from my parents
number of tears cried= only God knows (Psalm 56:8)
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go