MK forum

People often have the impression that the Bible requires forgiveness to be unconditional.1 But the Bible doesn't say that. It tells us that we should "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). While God's forgiveness is undeserved, it certainly isn't unconditional. The Lord's forgiveness is offered only to those who confess their sin and repent (2 Chronicles 7:14; Leviticus 26; Luke 13:3; 1 John 1:8-10).

On the surface, it might seem noble to forgive unconditionally. But unconditional forgiveness is usually motivated more by fear than by love. And because of this it's usually destructive. If a wife continues to forgive a habitually unfaithful and abusive husband unconditionally, her toleration of his behavior will probably result in even more abuse and disrespect. This kind of "unconditional" forgiveness expresses a determination to cling to the status quo. No matter how bad things are, this woman fears that things will probably get worse if she holds her husband accountable. Her passive acceptance of his behavior will probably encourage him to continue in his sin. Instead of her forgiveness being a helpful act of love, it is actually a violation of love that will hinder his growth toward Christlikeness.

Jesus' specific teaching about forgiveness in Luke 17:3-4 makes it clear that forgiveness should follow repentance:

Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, "I repent," you shall forgive him.

Undeserved forgiveness and unconditional forgiveness are radically different. It takes courage and character to forgive those who repent and ask our forgiveness. If we forgive them, we expose ourselves to the risk of being hurt again. Their repentance doesn't earn our forgiveness in any way. They are still responsible for the harm they've done. But though their repentance doesn't make them deserving of our forgiveness, it makes them eligible. We can forgive them because of the example of forgiveness that God has given us in Christ (Matthew 18:21-35).



Unconditional forgiveness is an affront against justice and a denial of the significance of sin and its cruel effects. Undeserved forgiveness is an expression of divine love and the only basis of our hope for salvation.

In a flawed world, forgiveness shouldn't be given unconditionally. But we should always be willing to share the undeserved forgiveness we have received through Christ. We should be realistic in confronting our enemies, but we should also seek to love them and respond to them in a way that is ultimately in their best interest.

By Dan Vander Lugt

Spot on.

Also, folks seem to think when we have forgiven someone that it is all that needs to be done. Thus the thought process is all is forgiven and forgotten. This is not valid, sin has consequences. Many equate forgiveness with Reconcilation. It is possible to forgive without having reconciliation. Reconciliation requires the offender to make amends for thier actions. Thus in the case of child abuse it is appropriate not only to confess the abuse but also to report it to the legal authorities for starters. I say for starters because other consequences may include such things as paying for counseling of the abused, publicly explaining in detail ones failures, etc...

"No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says; he is always convinced that it says what he means."
--George Bernard Shaw

@ Yunker: SO true!!!!

Imagine if we consistently led our lives according to God's truth, not our own predispositions in any given situation (aka "situational ethics")?

Forgiveness is so healing for the victim too. Forgiveness gives a deep healing that only the Father can reach in to heal when we forgive. My forgiving Frank for what he did to me wasn't to help Frank...it was for me. It didn't do Frank any good because he was dead by then, but it keeps the seeds of bitterness and anger from growing. Does that make sense? I don't want to be a bitter person, I want to be a BETTER person. I want the love of Christ to flow in and through me, reaching out to everyone I touch, especially everyone who want in my shoes at Via. Much love, Memories

I have mentioned this book some place else on this forum, but I will mention it again. It's very good and has helped me a lot in sorting out what is forgiveness. Robert D. Enright, Ph.D., Forgiveness is a Choice; A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association, 2001.

In Chapter 2 the author defines forgiveness and answers questions about it. He says forgiveness is not: 1) condoning or excusing 2) forgetting 3) justifying 4) calming down 5) pseudo-forgiving . He also states that forgiveness is related to but different from reconciliation. He then answers questions one of them being: Must I choose between mercy and justice? He answers that there are tensions here and says, "A man who has been sexually molested as a child may decide to forgive the man who molested him and still decide to testify against him to protect other children. To say 'I have forgiven' and then allow another child to suffer would be to deny the rights of future victims" (p. 32).

Another question: Must the forgiver trust the offender? "The simple answer is no. ..On the contrary forgiving is one of the best ways to stop a pattern of repeated injury...Forgiveness is free; trust must be earned. Sometimes trust is never justified. For example, a chronic pedophile should not be trusted with the care of children" (p. 38 + 39).

I recommend this book.

I read that book, Unexpected Hero, when I went through counseling and it was a huge help. I agree that forgiveness isn't about allowing the abuse to continue. You have to hold those accountable for what they did/do. Forgiveness was about me...about healing...about peace...about joy...about living without fear... It wasn't for him. Did he "deserve" or even ask for my forgiveness, nope. But it helped me so much to let go of fear, anxiety, anger, bitterness...

I think for MKs and any 2nd generation Christian kids, forgiveness was paramount in our upbringing, sometime nauseatingly so. But it has purpose. I expect my kids to ask for forgiveness of each other and verbally say "I forgive you". Those words are hugely powerful. Just last night someone I love apologized to me for something and it was awesome. Forgiveness though, is not the only step in healing. It may be the most important one, but not the only one. Sometimes it is easy to think that if we forgive someone all the pain will go away. It doesn't. Just because someone hurt me and I forgive them, doesn't mean that the pain they caused me and the consequences that I live with automatically go away. Mejouzinho kicked me in the back of the knee on the campo during a field soccer game at VIA, and I blew out my ACL. I forgave him, but the pain and bum knee is with me for life. It hurts as I write 21 years later. The pain and consequences of that action still need to be dealt with. I use lots of aleve and I ride bike for exercise instead of run. In the case of abuse, whether it be sexual, emotional, spiritual or physical, the internalization of lies needs to be cast into the light. The guilt and he shame both need to be dealt with. And the pain still needs to be handled carefully. After all abuse is trauma and trauma just like a physical trauma needs a skilled doctor or in this case, a skilled counselor to assist in the process. All that to say, yes forgive, and may forgiveness be the end of your journey, and an expression of the difference bw those who have Jesus in them and those that don't, but also let Jesus work in the other areas that trauma affects, your pain, your beliefs about yourself, your guilt, your shame. If you have forgiven, but still feel like crying, then go ahead and cry and let Christ heal your pain, and clarify your thoughts, and brighten your countenance, and set you free so you can rise with healing in our wings. May all our journeys be full of grace.