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I have been reading the forum entries for several days now. I have run the gamut of emotions and I have been praying for you, many by your forum “name.” I knew that I wanted to write as well, but didn’t feel at first that my voice was wanted here. Now I feel I can let my “Mom’s voice” be heard, and relay “our” story.
In the late 80’s we received word from friends who were serving in Asia that they had just found out that their two daughters had been molested/abused by a dorm dad over a period of several years. They had absolutely no idea that this was occurring. Needless to say, they were devastated. Our hearts ached for them. On our furlough we had spent time with them and our girls had connected so well. We had wonderful memories of that time together and our young familys’ hopes and dreams for our children. I will never forget these words from her letter after this situation was discovered. “It feels like we are at a huge race car track with lots of cars speeding around the track. But, our cars are stuck in the middle and can not go on. I wonder if we will ever get back on the track.” How those words gripped my heart and I cried for all they had lost, all they were feeling, all that only God knows that they were going through.
We thought we should relay this in age appropriate discussion to our girls especially and warn them of the dangers and also ask that they would have confidence in us to tell us if anything inappropriate happened to them. I will never forget the look in those two sets of very serious brown eyes, as they nodded their heads “yes.” Yes, they would tell us.
Fast forward to 1993---we were just about to leave the USA to return to Vianopolis. A well-meaning relative asked us this question: “If I know that someone who lives and works close to you had molested a young child, would you want to know?” We said yes, and were told who that was. Now, why didn’t we immediately call the mission at that time? Why didn’t we go to the parents of the one he had molested and talk? I don’t know the answer to either of those questions, other than I believe the perpetrator told this family that their daughter was his only victim.
Two more years forward --- Our oldest daughter came to us with a letter written to her in response to a letter she had written to a Teen Christian girls’ magazine asking “What should I do because a relative has molested me and I haven’t told my parents?” Their answer was that she should go to her parents if at all possible or if not to a trusted friend and tell. There was assurance and encouragement that the offense was NOT hers, but the perpetrator’s, and she needed help to be able to go on with her life. The bottom dropped out of my world at that moment, for we knew without asking who “the relative” was. When our daughter confirmed the identity, we told the girls then about the other victim. My daughter asked me later why I didn’t cry or yell, or show emotion. I can’t tell you. I don’t know. But, I felt physically sick and my heart all of a sudden had a gaping hole in it.. But, I ask you? Why didn’t I go directly to the phone and call somebody in leadership? I don’t know. Instead, I went to the perpetrator’s wife, who I have to tell you had been my closest friend and co-worker besides being a relative by marriage. I asked her about the abuse and she admitted that it was true. I asked why this abuse wasn’t admitted when the other niece brought her accusations. Well, they considered it sufficient that the other incident was confessed, and the perpetrator then wrote a letter of apology to our daughter to “make things right with her.” I ask you: what does a ten year old do with a letter of apology of that nature? She tears it up and never wants to think about it again, but of course, she can’t really not think about it. The perpetrator’s wife assured me that there was absolutely no other victim. I wondered “how can she be so sure” but unfortunately I accepted that answer. We did not ask our younger daughter again.
I did notice that our younger daughter began to withdraw herself from the company of that family, but she never gave us an explanation of why. (Again I can greatly condemn myself here for not asking more questions and taking more action.) In 1998 our older daughter was just about to be married and she was living with us while we were on furlough. She talked with us one day, asking if we were absolutely sure that her sister had not been molested. We were only sure as to what she had affirmed to us, or perhaps what we were willing to ask. Older sister asked then if she could ask her younger sister and we agreed. The result was that yes, we found that our younger daughter had been molested as well. And as in our older daughter’s case, a number of incidents over a span of time. More extreme pain and devastation.
Ornery, I absolutely know the anger you found welling up inside of you at your recent discovery. I have been there. I remember one day not long after this discovery that I sat at the computer, reading email and putting pieces together of this horrible puzzle. I began to cry and sob like never before, and I was shaking, with what I am sure was pure anger. How could this be and what could I do? It was too late to “stop it” so what now? And then the haunting questions—Why didn’t you do anything to stop it? Didn’t you see the clues? Didn’t you get it? Where were you anyway? Oh yes, I know all those questions and know what? There often are no answers. Remember blame and shame are definitely the enemy’s tactics. But, I feel very deeply for you, Ornery. I really do know your pain and frustration.
When we could pull ourselves together, our decision was that we hadn’t been “there for our girls” to stop or prevent the abuse, but we would now do our best to do the right and responsible thing to stop the perpetrator and hopefully protect others. May I just say here that the need to protect is so very strong once you have been abused or someone close to you has suffered abuse. By this time, we knew much more about sexual abuse and its devastation, also its devious way of sneaking into innocent lives. We weren’t going to back down anymore, or “turn the other cheek.” When we talked with parents of the other molested niece, we found they knew nothing about our older daughter’s previous abuse (even though it had been committed first) and now this was the third case to be revealed. They also were “righteously indignant’ and felt there had not been total honesty and confession given when they had confronted the perpetrator. He had not really “come clean.” That is a common pattern in perpetrators of sexual abuse.
Courageous, I do know how important it is to be affirmed. Oh, how our girls needed that. They needed us to come along and carry that load with them; actually relieve them of it for the shame was not theirs to carry in the first place and much less the blame. So, we affirm you and hurt for you. We also praise God that while hurting you are healing. I also know as parents how important it is to know that other adults believe you and will affirm that you are indeed hurting.
Mom of Courageous, and …….. oh, how my heart aches for you, too. I do empathize with you and want you to know I have thought of you and prayed for you often. I remember well our last encounter here in Brazil. It was the closest we actually came to sharing with one another on this issue. I am certain we equally felt one another’s pain and shared one another’s joy that our daughters were healing, to the glory of God. We know what it is to be in the “divided family” where no one talks about the white elephant in the room, but he affects everyone.
OK, so let me get to the end of my story. Does it ever end? We stood our ground and half the family stood with us. (My husband has never stood taller in his daughters’ eyes.) NTM was advised and the perpetrator was dismissed both from NTM international and MNTB. We are not totally satisfied with “explanations to the members and reasons for dismissal” and will be taking these things up with the proper authorities in both organizations. We also feel that an investigation should have been done with students in our daughters’ age range and their parents advised as well. (Both here on the field as well as other relatives in the USA.) Again, protection looms huge in our minds. We are also not sure, and so would like to know if supporters were advised in definite terms of this one’s illicit sinful behavior.
So, what is my point really in all of this? Number one, I want you MK’s to know that my husband and I have counted you as an important part of our lives and ministry here in Brazil. We wanted to be here to be an important part of your lives. You are still important to us. Many of you have visited us and/or we have been with you there in the USA. We pray for you often. We are so very sorry for the things we didn’t know about, weren’t sharp enough to be aware of and protect you from. There were many times that we “went to bat” for you, standing up for what we thought was being done incorrectly in regard to you. And, we have stood up for you when we felt your position, action or reaction was correct Of course, I am sure that there were many times when we should/could have done more or done differently. We are so very sorry for that. Our family has gone through a lot of healing in recent years—God has been wonderful to allow that. If we have hurt any of you, please write or call us. Give us the opportunity to make things right with you.
Number 2, if you have been abused in some way by anyone, anywhere (it doesn’t just happen in MK boarding schools), please seek out someone with whom you feel safe, and tell your story. That is the very first step on the road to recovery and healing. Enough victims have spoken out here to let you know that you are definitely not alone. God wants you whole again, and only HE can do that as you allow HIM into your hurt.
Meanwhile, we will continue to pursue what is the right and responsible thing to be done in our situation now and be praying that our mission organizations will do the same.
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