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This is long and rambling but I´d like to get it out and if nothing else, it might serve to jar some memories - so much of that time is really blurred for me and I can only imagine how it must be for those who were there longer or had it worse.
I remember sobbing in rage, I couldn´t hold it in, when they read the announcement that the little dorm dad had been removed - I was all geared up to hear him denounced publicly and the truth told and all they said was "possible misuse of authority", "overly authoritative", "inappropriate spanking". I couldn´t believe my ears. I sat in the chapel and cried and cried. I don´t know how she found me, but a staff member ended up reading a passage from psalms to me and that actually helped me find hope (staff member, if you read this, thank you, you made a difference for me in me getting through those last weeks). I knew that specific abuse had been told to the board, I was present for the first part of the meeting and what was told was far less than what had actually happened. And in that chapel I couldn´t even express my anger, there was nowhere to let it out. I wanted the little dorm dad tarred, feathered and branded. I don´t think anyone told my parents that they thot I had been a victim of sexual abuse in the past - the staff member who found me did make me promise to tell. How could I tell? There was no way to phone privately and talk to them. Someone must have phoned my parents (most likely the staff member who had found me), I think telling them they should call me, but when they did, I received the phone call in a house and the most I felt free to say was yes and no. I´m pretty sure my parents didn't understand what was going on. And then, when we were all pulled from the girls dorm for the reasons we all know, I was isolated with a single lady missionary who had serious social issues, to say the least...all alone. I got there with my stuff and thot she was joking when she showed me my room - there was a matress on the floor and that was it - as far as I remember, I didn´t have hangars or any other furniture. The funny thing is that I thot that was all normal, I didn´t really understand why my parents were so shocked when they arrived. I realize just how abnormal it was from the reactions from the other girls when they found out where I was going to stay and because the staff member above apologized to me and said they just hadn´t thot when they had placed me there or if they had thot, they thot of all the girls I would be the one to handle it the best. I just wanted to get out of there and make it all be over. There was no interaction with other people, I went to school and since I didn´t have the dorm to go back to and hang out with other girls, then I went back to my mattress on the floor. I naturally thot I was being punished for instigating or taking part in the dissension. I also assumed that being non NTM I would be the scapegoat, but now I see how much more those who were NTM had to go through. The comfort for me is that I had honestly had prayed about doing what I did for a good semester (and I wasn´t necessarily the fasting and praying kind) before it happened and I knew that things had been lead by God - even up to the members of the school board at that time - this matter HAD been brought to the board before and NOTHING had been done.
I got called before the board at least once more, and was agressively questioned about a rumor that I had written a letter telling about the whole situation (we were instructed to not talk about it) and calling the little dorm dad names (interesting that while we were told to not spread dissension, I was called before the board on the strength of a rumor - I even remember what they said - that someone had told someone who had told someone that I had said such and such - I think I made a joke about that, but noone laughed). I strongly suspect that certain members of the board were looking for ways to nail me and I think other members were managing to just barely hold them back. Someone must have made that story up and I have no idea why. I very rarely wrote letters and in especially in those last two weeks was very disinclined to do so. If I had felt like writing anything, that urge was quashed in that meeting. There was nothing I could do except reiterate that I had written no letters. I´m not sure how long the meeting was, maybe 20 minutes, and I was let go. I just remember that last part of my senior year being so LONELY. And I still don´t understand why noone did anything - even just invite me over for a cup of tea. Surely there was a corner a little more hospitable somewhere on campus. I felt like I was being punished - I was ostracized - I assumed, although we had been promised anonimity, that my name had escaped and everyone knew that I had had a hand in the little dorm dad removal. I really don´t think my part in it all was that decisive but I had no way of asking anyone without fearing it would get to the wrong people´s ears - there wasn´t anyone to trust. Humor is a great rescuer and even in the middle of wet eyes I have to smile a little at how much I felt like a misfit, most likely much like the poor lady who had to take me in, I assume she was given no choice in the matter, she definitely did not want me with her.
I found out later that the little dorm dad was not even removed from campus, he was put on maintenance - that just didn't make sense, I couldn´t believe it. Everyone knew how messed up his whole family was - I would have thot at least counseling back in the US. I assumed he would be removed over the summer, how could he be let to stay on? And then came the years of struggle with bitterness and anger, there was a long period when anything associated with NTM was mentioned in my presence made me spew with sarcasm and cynicism. I was noticeably bitter against NTM.
Forgiveness happened, gradually, slowly and with that came healing. God is good, He is soo good, and his unfathomable love was with me back then and is still with me now. I´m so glad this is all coming out and whether NTM does decide to make a clean breast of it voluntarily (I wish so badly they would do that) or ends up being forced to do it, I am CONFIDENT that our gracious, good father, in whom there IS NO darkness, is working and will bring justice. I am SO sorry about all that happened, and I grieve with all the victims. I´ve been happy to see that the bitterness against NTM has not come back - bitterness only hurts me and doesn´t accomplish justice. I struggle with guilt because I feel I should have done more. PLEASE speak up, write to Grace, you don´ t have to write in this forum, the emotions here are so volatile that I could see someone who is timid to write not being able to write in, but don´t let that stop you from writing GRACE. I believe there are a whole lot more stories out there to be told, not just what was told by courageous and momof4. Please come and tell your story.
love,
sunshine
PS - anyone who does decide to write something long, make sure you copy it before submitting, because if it doesn´t submit, then you lose the post - almost happened to me just now.
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