I think I am slowly feeling my way past these IF/THEN rationalizations. I definitely remember houseparents checking in on us from 9:30-10:00 to check if we were reading our Bibles. The funny thing is, our rebellion was only that they said we had to read at night, instead of in the morning, which was clearly the more spiritual time of the day.
We were told over and over again to not dwell on ourselves. That's that what the shallow self centered girls did. Like the ones who wore too much make-up and only went to church on Sundays and not Wednesday nights. Like the ones in The States.
We weren't to dwell on ourselves, but it was all on our shoulders. God controlled by us.
If a man made an improper gesture or touch, we must have worn something God Himself would not have approved of . . .
Had one principal tell me my bras were too thin--had another explain how blouses with pinstripes or graphics showed improper shadows and curves
Statistics were produced which demonstrated how the mission force was populated by MKs. And then how many tribes were still unreached.
We were permitted to read out loud from the Bible, but only if asked. Pray, out loud, in small groups only. Ask questions, but only to the right people, in leadership.
So we were to passively control the known spiritual world? Our actions, when permitted, had that much power? Oh no, it was the secrets of your heart that had the power. But we weren't to be too introspective . . .
My periods of feeling incredible guilt might be lessening. I'm finding the self-righteousness of being an early bird at the gym, to be oddly comforting.
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