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Thorough Reorganization Begins at NTM

"We really mean it this time" say top execs

Reports filtering out of Fortress NTM's board room indicate that momentous changes are in the offing for the famously reclusive cookie manufacturer. Still reeling from an embarrassing back down on their punishment of recalcitrant children, known on the rest of Planet Earth as "employees," the normally composed Executive Board seems to have lost their footing.

"We are taking steps to make sure that this never happens again," said Rad Sass, a member of the Executive Committee. In response to a flurry of raised eyebrows, he added, "Honestly."

Details were not forthcoming, but disgruntled employees, known to the spiritually giant corporation as "our kids," leaked documents outlining the now-familiar approach – committees. Only this time, it is being taken to an entirely new level.

A Committee on Committees has reportedly been formed to give some direction to the committees. Among other things, committees are being considered to oversee the most sensitive and vital functions of the corporation, including cookie jars, busses, general uproars and phone number security services.

Insiders report that, in light of the failure of the Cookie Protection Committee to adequately deal with "historical snitching of cookies," a further committee has been formed to oversee the original committee and make suggestions to the Suggestion Considering Committee, who will then make recommendations to the Cookie Protection Committee, who are tasked with the implementation of those recommendations. The current play book, just like the former play book, calls for the Executive Board to be in the dark regarding any actions taken, unless and until there is "a general uproar." Then the Executive Board can reconsider, change the decision, blame the committee and become the heroes. It's a tactic that has helped the Big Boys, as they are called by the corporate children, out of the ditch in the past. Or, "historically," to use company jargon.

Calls for an outside Board to oversee the dizzying array of new committees have gone unheeded. "We believe we have all the talent we need right here in our own organization," said Mr. Sass. "We aren't even considering an outside board, especially not one with women on it. We have an Executive Board; we don't need an Executive Broad."

Meanwhile, insiders report a coming revival of "NTM gear." In addition to the old standbys of T-shirts, coffee mugs, ball caps and shot glasses, child proof cookie jars will be introduced. Analysts give the company high marks for moving quickly to make up for lost revenue, even if such moves are outside their core competencies. "They are, after all, not very competent anyway, so this move probably won't hurt them," said Paul Flaming, a corporate analyst based in Woodworth, Wisconsin.

Your reporter attempted to verify these changes by calling a number of normally available members of the Executive Board, but instead of answers, each inquiry was met with a question: "Where did you get my phone number?!"