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 Post subject: Good-byes Haunt my Life
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 3:20 am 
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My 5th grade class in Maryland held a good-bye party for me. I was only there five months. I got hugs, questions, gifts. The teacher bought me a shirt that said, "Where in the "cartoon picture of a devil" is Cumberland, MD?" My mom and dad blanched when they saw the T-shirt. They explained very gently that I could wear the shirt once, and that it was nice of them to give it to me. But the picture of the devil was like a swear word. And that it made Satan to be funny, when he is really very real. But I did know that, from Jack Chick tracts. I remember vividly every booklet, and the chill and terror felt with the song, "You've been left behind." I must never let anyone from church see me in that shirt. I did put it on, but was slinking around with my shoulders caved in, jumping from every noise. I think I wore it for a half hour. Then I caved in and gave it to mom. She used that in a testimony that night at church.

The T-shirt got left behind that week when we flew off. My extended family felt so bad for us kids that they bought the family DisneyWorld tickets to go to on our way to Brazil. I just knew that DisneyWorld would never happen. We talked about it driving on the way to Miami. How Brazil was a much more important trip than Mickey Mouse. That he didn't know what was so great about going there. That our FIELD DIRECTOR would decide if we could go or not. That it was not very nice of the family to give us the tickets without consulting him first. They always made him look like the bad guy. They set him up. This was supposed to be about the call.

I couldn't believe it, that we got to go. And drink soda. He even let me and my brother pick out stuffed pooh bears. And go on Space Mountain. Every detail of DisneyWorld was catalogued by us, it became part of the folklore of "the states."

The DisneyWorld high kept us going for a couple of days. It kept us from really saying good-bye. I wouldn't be caught off-guard again. After that I knew. Even when you go back to where you were, the people are never the same. They are changed by your absence. They don't trust you, want to get close to you. You leave them. And have the audacity to ask for support. It's just not the same going back.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 8:50 am 
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So very poignant.

I can relate ... to all of this.

Hugs ...


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 8:54 pm 
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So apparently all of the messages that are really strongly expressed to you, about you, and around you, in your childhood are therin etched into your brain in furrows filled with permanent ink. Those furrows in my brain are filled up and attempting to make collaterals. Collaterals are alternate furrows that are thinner, weaker, but somewhat effective in diverting life.

OK. I suspect many MKs have been brought up without encouragement to express themselves. For me, it had bad consequences. If I said I was angry, there might come a lecture on righteous anger and how you probably don't have it. And assignments on reading about Old Testament people who were really angry and that was ok because they were in the Bible. I don't ever remember saying that. Feeling sorry for yourself could bring a hand-delivered copy of The Foxes Book of Maryrs, or The Hiding Place, or Joni, or Gods Smuggler.

We had to be careful of talked to. Southern Baptist MKs were suspect because their parents had more money and belonged to a denomination. SIL people might kick us out of their school. (A growl formed in my dad's throat at the mere mention of the Seventh Day Adventist missionaries).

Expressing myself to a national was out of the question.

Artistically? No, art had to serve a purpose. Music? Well, as long as the lyrics were theologically correct, and not inducing emotionalism. Writing? It might get read. No place was ever private.

In thought? Well, that was fine until the next campfire come to Jesus retreat. Where if not enough nationals appeared affected, then the MKs were next in line. And every time communion was offered, and every family devotions, and every Bible class in school.

So much easier to level out emotional responses, than deal with all of THAT.

Back to collaterals. It's new territory. It's torturous. It causes headaches. Thanks for listening.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:01 am 
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Thank you are for sharing what you are learning.

I am learning too.

Furrows and collaterals.

Yeah. Me too.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:07 am 
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Furrows filled with ink are called tattoos. They tend to be accumulated when one is young, naïve and bullet proof (or drunk, oops). When you get older they don't look so good, especially when bits of the body start dropping south. You can get rid of them, but it is hardwork and leaves a scar.
I don't think many tribers would get tattoos, but if they look carefully they are all branded and the brand doesn't come off with soap and water, it has to be surgically removed!!!!!!!!!
And the surgical procedure is long, complicated and hurts, so many just don't bother, they just wear the brand or buy clothes that cover it up and live with it for the rest of their lives.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:10 am 
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Wow, great analogy, Aussie.

And ouch.

I know my NTM tattoos still show sometimes.

:(


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:56 am 
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I like that too. I think the biggest one for me is still fear. I keep reacting as if I have no choice, like I'm going to get in trouble, and any conclusion will be inevitably bad. The pit in my stomach never goes away. The hyper-vigilance of post-traumatic stress disorder related to living with fundamentalists. And having everything under the sun connected to your "walk with God." But it wasn't just that, was it? The fate of nations was on us! We always had to do the right thing. Every time. I want to scratch the tattoos off, but am afraid of the pain.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:23 am 
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I got my only real tattoo back before they were so mainstream, and had to refer to it as a "permanent bracelet" to not feel bad about it. :) Then I forbade my brothers to tell my parents , and we all forgot that they didn't know. It was a "picking them up from the airport revelation." And all was ok. I'm still the only one with a tattoo though.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:06 pm 
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Tip from Aunty Aussie. When you go to the Tattoo parlour with the love of your life, get a butterfly while they get your name. Then when they trade you in for a younger model, you've got a nice butterfly and they are like NTM, stuck with a reminder of something they keep trying to deny :lol: .


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:30 pm 
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Sleeves and butterflies are very cool! Wish they were cheaper!


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