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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 1:47 am 
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Poor choice of words. Big time sorry. Also apologize for the double speak. I briefly forayed into adolescent-land and will try not to do it again.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 7:10 pm 
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You raise an interesting point and that is we were told what to think.

The one regret I have about NTM, was that because I don't believe in reincarnation, to much of the one life I do have was wasted in the MK period of my life. The constant repetition of the same mantras, the same chorus's (I don't like singing to this day) and so much time spent debating theological points that the so called experts interpreted differently.
It would have been better if I had been taught how to think, not what to think! Fortunately I managed to teach myself that and thereby regain much of the lost ground.

So, what on earth am I doing here day after day? Well I'm glad you asked. In a few days time it will be the 22nd of February. Three years to the day when life changed very dramatically for Mrs Bemused and Bemused. Literally our life exploded in one massive earthquake (most quakes go side to side, this one went up and down in a violent wave of destruction). And so the dream of a house with a large garden came to a sudden end and we found ourselves living as refugees in a broken city, with not a lot to do for considerable periods of time, as we waited for insurance settlements e.t.c.
Not long after this the NTM scandal broke down here and I joined Fanda Eagles, with considerable time to post and write my way through a plethora of emotions and feelings.
However in the last few months we have been fortunate enough to stop living as refugees and find another place to rebuild the self sufficiency dream. Also to get out more and enjoy the truly wonderful outdoors of the surrounding location.
So I find myself wandering into the sunset a bit more and just popping back a little less often to see what is evolving in this strange ongoing saga that we find ourselves in.

I find the NTM past consumes less of my thinking time. And I think I will be eternally grateful that I survived a system and individuals that thought they had the right to break me and remould me into their puppet. In that they failed, for I am who I am, an independent thinker, who has not all the answers but knows that only fools claim they do.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 8:28 pm 
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I can get that. And, we are all in different spaces. Some of my issues have to do with scale. I want to be able to do the right thing in the place I am now. Before I move on to moving mountains. And maybe that belief system is holding me back, and perpetuating evils abroad. But I feel good when I manage to put my laundry away within 48 hours. Everyday that I exercise I'm ridiculously proud.

Cognitive dissonance makes me feel crazy. Like hearing sermons on loving people, and then NOT loving people in your family enough to stay and take care of them. I don't want to let go of people. There has been too much of that! Sometimes people don't ever come back to you. And if you really need them, you can always call--but we mostly don't.

My world needs to make sense again. I need children that grow up feeling beloved. My bank account needs to reflect how damn hard I work. I'd like to take my dogs for walks without them acting like fools. I'd like to sleep in my own bed, at night, and really sleep.

I sure hope to God we're in different places. And please do what you must.

If anyone wants to try to change this horrible mission abuse on a smaller scale, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Did you ever give out tracts on a street corner, knowing that you were the biggest hypocrite ever? Because someone made you? I won't do that again. But I will try, with everything in me, to get a child away from a malevolent seducer.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 9:18 pm 
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I think you're trying to get order and control back into your life, instead of having it governed by others or fears of the past.

Obviously we can't all do exactly what we want, other wise society would break down (unless you're mega rich, then you can do whatever you like). But the need to want to generate your own thoughts and follow your own dreams is a good thing, because it indicates you are not some robot type MK creation, who has abdicated the years ahead of you to the people who controlled your past. Children need guideline and rules, but they also need to be able to find their own way in life and the latter was stifled to much for many MKs. Instead was installed guilt for daring to be different and to vary from the prescribed route.

As the learned Mrs Bemused says, pick a realistic goal and go for it. Move a couple of small hills before you try moving mountains and draw the line in the sand that those who tell you can't because . . . . are not allowed to cross.

Sometimes saying Goodbye to aspects of the old life is hauntingly scary, but it can also be the start of something much better too.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 10:56 pm 
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Nothing wrong with being angry and letting it out, been there done that and it's a damn site better than bottling it up until one day it explodes and you realize to late that you have screwed up your life or someone else's and you are being locked up for it!!!!!!!!

So you were in PNG, I was in PNG and Bemused was in PNG and we all survived by pulling ourselves up by our boot straps, wonder what happened to the rest. Don't tell me they lived happily ever after, we both know that's not true!!!!!!!!!
Probably life on autopilot, just going through the routines of life, those voices in their head still dictating what they should and shouldn't do. Until one day it all goes wrong and they look back and realize they've wasted their life and for what or who?

Hey, life may not be perfect for either of us, but at least we made it, despite what NTM did to us.

Have a drink for me, ay?


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 6:41 am 
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You guys do make me laugh! And drink . . .just don't underestimate me--you can under-esteem me, though. I'm used to that :D


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 7:30 am 
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Fanda Eagles will soon open it's own Alcoholics Anonymous chapter ;)

Count me out though, Hepatitis A put an end to my drinking days before they began.

Right back to bed, to hot to sleep down here :shock:


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 12:25 pm 
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Kyle, whatever I say could be interpreted wrong, I suppose
But I have to thank you for sharing about your life.
THAT WAS HARD TO LIVE THRU!
And you have come far.
Stay in touch with someone here who you think understands.
There ARE more than a few………..


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