MK forum

Dear Via friends,

Since this forum started I've spent countless hours pouring over each post, doing my best to acknowledge each person (because you are each important to me) and to give a thorough response.

I've been away from this forum for 24 hours and it's overwhelming to me tonight, but please know I will be back tomorrow to continue these {great!} discussions. I appreciate everyone's willingness to share and be vulnerable. I'm encouraged by this community. It's really good to know none of us are alone in this!!

However, it has been days since I have slept well. Your stories weigh heavy on my heart...and I replay them even in my sleep. I suspect it is the same with you.

So, goodnight, dear friends. May our God, who never slumbers nor sleeps give you rest tonight. I'll be back tomorrow, with a focused mind and rested body.

Boa Noite!

~Hurt-n-Hopeful

@ unexpected hero.

That kind of experience is something that just makes my blood boil. It's bullying at its best- power yielded in order to make someone feel insignificant. It reminds me of the senseless interrogations/mistreatment during the concentration camps during the Holocaust where millions of Jews (and others) were forced to stand for hours in formation, unable even to use the bathroom, having to undress in front of guards of the other sex--the goal was simply humiliation.

Anyway, what happened to you was WRONG, senseless, cruel. And it should never have happened, and I'm so sorry it did!

The "adults" in this instance--those people who had such an opportunity to impact your young life for the LORD, to show His compassion and grace to you--these same people used their power to make you feel small, uncared for, insignificant. It's more than unfortunate- it's evil!!

Again, I'm sorry for what you endured, the pain you carried. Thanks for sharing your story!

I remember a couple of people who were kicked out while at Via, but you couldn´t even talk to the people who were leaving. You wanted to say goodbye or hug them, but there was danger that that would make the focus turn on you - and it truly did. I was unaware until recently that I was on the verge of being kicked out myself for asking doctrinally unsound questions. And in my mind I had been such a goody goody while there. I got called in for a board meeting too - I don´t remember crying, but I do remember being so nervous - and not being informed that I was homefree - whether they maintained their belief in their accusations (in which case they believed I was lying - for no reason, as I didn´t have a history of lying) or whether they believed in my innocence (in which case, shouldn´t they have thanked me for being open)? Via was so confusing!

I remember a couple of people who were kicked out while at Via, but you couldn´t even talk to the people who were leaving. You wanted to say goodbye or hug them, but there was danger that that would make the focus turn on you - and it truly did. I was unaware until recently that I was on the verge of being kicked out myself for asking doctrinally unsound questions. And in my mind I had been such a goody goody while there. I got called in for a board meeting too - I don´t remember crying, but I do remember being so nervous - and not being informed that I was homefree - whether they maintained their belief in their accusations (in which case they believed I was lying - for no reason, as I didn´t have a history of lying) or whether they believed in my innocence (in which case, shouldn´t they have thanked me for being open)? Via was so confusing!

I experienced identical dynamics to this in a church here in the USA. In my case, we were subtly 'told' to leave by the lone pastor leader. In my case, I had felt a bond to the man as if he was my father. It was years before I stopped thinking that somehow I must have done something wrong. I didn't think I had done the things he implied, but maybe I did. The insecurities I already had made me ripe for abuse. He did the same to numerous others over about a 15 year span. I haven't yet met any who suffered the same emotional devastation that I did. Probably because I had unquestioning trust in him and my temperament. Eventually after finding out, - they left too!? - that I believed it truly wasn't me.

Since that time I have read about cults and spiritual abuse. This - what I experienced and what you experienced is spiritual abuse. There are dynamics in this leadership style that are the same dynamics you find in cults. For example, this - you couldn´t even talk to the people who were leaving. You wanted to say goodbye or hug them, but there was danger that that would make the focus turn on you - and it truly did

Another thing I learned is that those who come out of cults have things to work through. We have developed a certain mentality. We had certain weaknesses in the first place that made us vulnerable. There are a number of books about healing from spiritual abuse. I have read a number of them and also some secular stuff on cult dynamics. You can probably even find helpful stuff online. I recommend this to people. Spiritual abuse, even without sexual or physical is ABUSE, and harms. Even if you get away there are places that need healing.

MKSheri,

Would you be willing to post the names of the books you have read? I'm interested.

Thanks

This would be very good information to have. Not only do I love the MKs in my life who have been abused but I also have friends who have been spiritually abused as well but in the US. Why, why, why is this so prevalent?! I know why. Sin has no borders or boundaries or discrimination. It knows no color or creed or gender preferences. It knows no social or economic status. It knows no denomination. Sin equally presents itself to the far corners of the earth right down to the most righteous person we can think of...or for some, the person they thought was the most righteous person they could think of. But I digress. Any information to create a healing environment for MKs would be helpful.

Thank you!

MKSheri- Thanks for the following book recommendations. I thought my friends might like to peruse this too. Thanks again!!
=====================================================================
I pulled out the books I have here at the house, some read, and some still yet to read. I give a brief bit of information and my opinion about the books.

 Exposing Spiritual Abuse – How to rediscover God’s love when the church has let you down.
By Mike Fehlauer DON’T RECOMMEND

I include this information only because the title sounds so promising. I don’t think it delivers. Also, it is written for the person(s) whose abuse has resulted from a controlling pastor. An easy read though.

 More Jesus, Less Religion – Moving from Rules to Relationship
By Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton RECOMMEND

It has been awhile since I read this, but I recall feeling soothed by it. Flipping through it now, I think I can recommend this as a worthwhile read. Each of the 16 chapters has a subtitle that starts with “A healthy faith is-” Examples of things that come after “A healthy faith is,” are: “based in reality, individualized, non-defensive and non-judgmental.” Also an easy read.

 The Dangers of Growing up in a Christian Home and
 Growing up holy and wholly – Understanding and hope for adult children of evangelicals.
By Donald E. Sloat, Ph.D. RECOMMEND BOTH

This author is a licensed psychologist who has presented workshops on shame and spiritual abuse. He has a website – www.sloatconsulting.com
I see from his website that he works with trauma victims including, PTSD, physical, emotional, verbal, sexual and spiritual abuse

These books were recommended to me by a former missionary who wishes he had known these things to bring him out of legalism before he raised his kids. I haven’t yet read the first but did read the second one. I don’t recall great enthusiasm. I think I was hoping for more, based on the enthusiasm of the one who recommended it to me. I see that I underlined a number of points. It looks like I might benefit from reading this again. Both of these books are best read slowly with time to sit and think about what is being said. I roll my eyes at some of the psychological stuff, but that’s me. I tend to be demanding about that stuff. I don’t consider it a negative against the book as a whole.

 Recovering from churches that abuse
By Ronald Enroth RECOMMEND

This author is a sociology professor and a scholar on cults and cultism. I’ve not read it except for just now reading the first chapter and a brief look. It looks like at least part of what it talks about are some of the personal dynamics that make people vulnerable to abusive relationships. My experience is that when you’ve been abused (this includes emotional abuse by itself) there are things you don’t know about keeping yourself safe and it is easy to fall into another type of abusive situation. RECOMMEND

 Boundaries – Where you end and I begin – How to recognize and set healthy boundaries
By Anne Katherine RECOMMEND

I don’t know if every abused person has a problem understanding boundaries. I did.
Cloud and Townsend have a book called “Boundaries” It is a “Christian” book. I suppose people consider it Christian because the authors throw in bible verses here and there. That kind of writing annoys me. So…, I recommend the Anne Katherine book. I found it more helpful. It is 1/3rd the size of the Cloud/Townsend book and at least 2x as good. –in my opinion Easy read.

 Twisted Scriptures – a path to freedom from abusive churches
By Mary Alice Chrnalogar RECOMMEND

I haven’t had a chance to read this yet, but it looks excellent! This author does “deprogramming” for people leaving cults. That includes “Evangelical” cults. When I was doing web searches for myself, I looked up words like “brainwashing” and “mind control.” Learning about some of those things was helpful to me.

 Transforming Grace – Living confidently in God’s unfailing love
By Jerry Bridges RECOMMEND

 Spiritual Depression – Its causes and its cure
By David Martyn Lloyd-Jones RECOMMEND

These last two books were very helpful to me! They are definitely thinking books. The second one is sermons he preached. In addition to having to wrap my head around theology contrary to the legalism I had learned, the book is harder reading because the writing is old-fashioned. This is the only book that I have ever bought to give to others. I bought 5 of them to give to various family members.

http://www.mksafetynet.net/ has a few book recommendations

Diane Langberg, who is one of the persons with GRACE, has a book (among several) specifically for victims of sexual abuse.
 On the Threshold of Hope: Opening the Door to Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Some of these books also give references of other books to read.

I’m sure there are plenty of good books out there other than these. These are just the ones I have any personal knowledge about. One thing to remember is that we are individuals. Our specific issues vary and the way we best process information varies. What I consider great might not help another person. A resource that another person thinks is great might be blah to me.

when did it matter what kind of abuse?? it's a crime!! we don't owe them anything!! sick of seeing people on here justifying their abuse was ok but his wasn't or ntm is doing this now and I am so happy even if they aren't doing this!! god is good!! bunch of you are letting ntm abuse us all over again

why do you ask me that?? I can't be mad?? I have to tell my shame before any thing else?? stupid!!