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Ok, this is the first time I've commented before so please bear with me if I screw something up. I'll make the first post quick so I don't lose everything if it doesn't go well.
My 4 year stink at Fanda was in the early 90's. Although I was not sexually abuse I grew up very much affected by the mentality and lifestyle we were forced to live. I grew up feeling helpless, seeing the terrible abuse all around, and seeing countless beloved friends seeming to be on a past of self destruction. It was and is heart breaking. I also grew up in a very unstable, dysfunctional, and at times abusive home. So no stability anywhere.
I'm sure that just as we felt in the early days when reports came out and graffic, numbing information started to surface, (more than we already knew) we felt desperately betrayed by everyone, and absolutely numb. Like walking around in a dream state.
Processing with safe people is so healthy and so important as you walk your journey. I found out the hard way who wasn't safe to process with. I was shamed, and the very polarizing, very gut wrenching, and unfiltered feelings I was verbalizing and processing through were taken and shared with individuals/teammates/individuals who were asked to leave the mission field. It was a horrifying experience all on it's own.
So processing with safe people is crucial in the days, months and years ahead. Don't be afraid of your emotions. They need to be processed through, and there will be a full spectrum of emotions. I remember when I first started talking about my own experiences as a child sitting in a 30 year old body. I was at times a crying hysterical mess, often times I shook uncontrollably like I was freezing, there were times where I couldn't get warm but the room wasn't cold. I journaled, but what was most helpful for me was speaking the words. Speaking the words brought validity to my pain, to my existence, it brought darkness into light and it began to take the poison that was killing me and get it out. It is ok to feel, it is ok to rage, it is ok to cry, it is right to be angry. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I have over the years struggled with sever anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc. Living in the environment I grew up in beat into me that I was helpless, I was weak, and I was not valuable.
Trust me when I say that you absolutely not helpless, you are strong, and courageous, and valuable beyond measure. Everyone who has survived abuse is a fighter, and has a right to live, and be respected, you are love worthy no matter what has been done to you and no matter the choices in your life. Your value comes from who you are not what you do. I've been on a journey learning this, a very painful journey.
I know some of this might not be exactly what you are looking for in your direct questions. But just know that there are others out there who have your back, who have been through the fire and are journeying with you and for you.
One last thing for now, give yourself grace. You are going to have good days and you are probably going to have very bad days. It's ok to have bad days. Don't beat yourself up. Just stay connected. Staying connected is your lifeline. As a person speaking from sever depression experience, once you become disconnected from community it can be a very frightening spiral downward. I've been fortunate to have people in my life that when I stop making myself do uncomfortable things, and stop doing things that are good for me, they give me the loving shove to get out and live instead of staying alone, in the dark.
That's it for now, fingers crossed to see if it posts properly.
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