MK forum

I had an amazing breakthrough recently regarding the abuse I suffered at the hands of trusted adults at Fanda. I was able to tell, in detail, everything that I remember. The funny thing is, and the the only way I really could do it, was that I told the entire thing in the third-person. It was sad and exhausting, and I cried rivers for that little girl in my story. But the important thing was that I told it, without feeling that shame and guilt that I have felt my entire life whenever I talked about it.
I have been to so many therapists I can't remember them all, I have been put on many different kinds of medication to treat this "PTSD". Nothing has really helped me, and I had given up, and really thought that this is just something that I will have to live with forever.
But today, I found out something new about myself. I can talk about it, and even though it will always be a devastating memory, I can go on.

that's really awesome, Bonnie!

In the telling comes a freedom. I believe much healing can come from this point onward.

Bonnie, I cry rivers for that little girl in your story, too. And for the others who were abused by trusted, Christian adults in a setting designed and advocated as a way to prevent abuse.

I also smile because of the faith, inner strength, courage and boldness shown by you and the other Fanda Eagles. What an encouragement you are to others!

Keep your feet on the Path, keep your mind on His Truth and keep trusting Him for Life.

I wonder how many of us can relate to this: http://networkedblogs.com/5enzm

So happy to read this Bonnie. Two of our kids have high functioning autism and this is a common symptom with them (they talk about themselves in the 3rd person). I'm not saying that you have autism I've just wondered why they do this. Kids with autism have trouble confronting people or dealing directly with people, they struggle with social interactions, it's hard for them to make eye contact etc... so I can see that this is probably a protection thing to help them cope. Love you.

Tuti, I think for me it wasn't so much a defense mechanism as it was another sort of denial... I mean, not denying what happened, but denying what happened to me.... does that make sense?

I have written parts of my story out several times and they have always been in the third person. I don't know the reason for it, like you Bonnie, I think it has something to do with being able to picture her as someone else. Just a character in a book I am reading, instead of my own heart and soul on the page. I have not been able to push publish though, so for now it will remain my own personal story that I alone am reading.

I have this great wall, it is made of the strongest bricks. It circles around me and protects me from every side. I have spent years making it stronger and putting it in place, years hiding behind it. I have not written much on here or on the blog about what I actually went through growing up, not much at all. Every word that I have written is like a brick coming out of my wall. Now I feel as if there is a hole, it is small, but my wall is left weakened and not as strong. That hole is acting like a vacuum and is sucking out all of my air. I am having a hard time breathing knowing that my wall has been compromised, I drive in my car to drop my son off at school and all of the sudden will feel my heart starting to race. It is my panic attacks coming back to haunt me. My first response is to grab more bricks and shove them in the holes, to hide under my covers and pretend it all was just a dream and pray that it goes away. I make myself leave the bricks on the floor and leave the hole open, but I feel so exposed in doing so. Anyone else feeling like this, or am I all alone?

Leave the bricks on the floor. I know it will be rough sometimes but hold onto God and go for it. Let the walls slowly come down and persue FREEDOM. Don't give up.