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It’s been an overwhelming and emotional experience for all of us. Where we were prepared for a possible backlash we were instead flooded with an inbox full of Fanda MKs telling their stories, “I thought I was the only one…I thought I must have been so bad that I forced my dorm parents to abuse me… I thought I was just weak…my emotional responses are dysfunctional to this day…I no longer believe in God…I know God exists but He must hate me… I thought something was seriously wrong with me… I have panic attacks and abandonment issues…I cry knowing what we were forced to endure, when someone could have stopped it.”

First, it’s hugely on my heart the need to express that this blog is not borne out of vindictiveness or a need for revenge. It breaks my heart to think of the people who will be hurt by this information being exposed. Those who hurt me by their inaction and silence. Those who called me a liar. Even those who abused me. My heart aches for you.

I guess the question is, do we want to know the truth at any cost? Or is it our responsibility as MKs to bear the pain and the shame of this, alone? We have been doing that for 20 years. I know many of us willingly would sacrifice ourselves for our parents, and many of us have done so our entire lives. At Fanda we were trained to take care of our parents emotionally from an early age, to not tell them things at boarding school were horrifically bad since it would pull them away from the Lord’s work. Combine that with a child’s natural desire for their parent to be the strong one and the moral compass and you have a perfect recipe for denial. I think we could go on living in that half-life until we grow old. But if we face the truth now and find healing, then a real, full and vibrant life is waiting for all of us to enter it.

This blog follows 8 months of direct communication with NTM with a sincere hope that they would be as outraged as we by the facts that have been uncovered, and would finally and whole-heartedly champion us, the victims, after all these years. Unfortunately the recent communication from NTM showed us that NTM is not interested in finding out what really happened at Fanda. After 20 years of not being given a voice, now we are finally speaking. This is our voice.

What happened at Fanda is not our shame to bear, and what good comes of keeping things buried? The silence and secrecy only ensures the victims feel dirty and shameful, while it covers the perpetrators. That and that alone is our motive for bringing this to the light. We have several times gone to NTM seeking justice, unfortunately NTM refuses to acknowledge their criminal culpability in this.

Matthew 18 says “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

I have followed the protocols from the very book NTM claims as a manual – the Bible. I have gone to NTM alone. I have gone with two or three witnesses. I have flown from West Africa to Florida with witnesses to meet with NTM face to face. It is with deep sorrow that now after 20 years and eight long months we are telling it to you, the church, the body. We hope you will hear our heart.

The Fanda Eagles

 

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  1. AJ Kelley
    June 30th, 2014 at 04:32 | #1

    Hello all; Through the late 80s, early 90s I was in training with NTM with short stint in PNG. While at Bible college in the UK my family and I were friends with 2 Fanda alumni young women. One in particular had a deep sadness about her which we were never able to understand. I now have an idea of where that came from? That same sadness was evident in the lives of other MKs we had the privileged to break bread with through our time in NTM.
    I have just finished the GRACE report. I am disturbed, saddened and deeply grieved. Through our time in NTM we had no idea of any of the atrocities committed. I will wrestle with this new knowledge with a heavy heart for the lives damaged and innocence robbed.
    I would love to know how our friends from Bible College in UK, Matlock Bath have fared? Could someone from admin contact me please?

  2. Debra Barney
    December 12th, 2011 at 13:36 | #2

    @Chris Horgan
    Chris,

    Can you please contact me @ the above e-mail?

    dbarney2011@hotmail.com This is important.

  3. Bemused
    November 16th, 2011 at 12:56 | #3

    Chris Horgan :I read this blog and know it is all true.
    It was my experience too.
    I left ntm in January 1992. Even today the shame I feel at allowing myself to be part of an organisation that is as controlling and abusive as ntm is haunts me.
    I was told the ntm leadership were the holy spirit in my life, amongst many other things.
    I was part of the leadership and a committee member in Australia. After I left I found as many people who suffered under ntm when I was a part of it, whether they were still members or not, and asked their forgiveness for my actions.
    I know of people that have ended their lives, and some that have tried. I know of people who are so damaged by their experience they cannot speak of it. I know of people who cannot return to their faith.
    This is not a christian experience.
    c.

    Hi Chris,

    Thank you for your honesty. I was a kid when you entered NTM, and remember you as the good sort who taught us how to light fires safely in the bush (maybe that explains my arsonist tendencies, just joking). Then we ended up on the same “field”, where the nightmare really began.

    You had the courage to step out when the penny dropped. Wish my father had had the same courage, but then there was a good reason why that never happened. He liked being a big fish in a small pond, it suited his “humble” ego. So he carries on to this day, exploiting others, abusing them if they don’t see things his way and humiliating anyone who gets in his way. I ask myself regularly how someone committed to “opening the eyes of others to the truth”, somehow had his eyes so firmly closed to what was going on around him? Or did he have them closed, did this natural born survivor bought up in the school of hard knocks with a clever mind know exactly what was going on and for his own reasons decided to stay within the environment that was destroying those he pretended he actually cared for?
    For your honesty you have my respect and I am confident the respect of many other MKs.
    If you read this, would like to make contact. I’m contactable through the personal messages.

  4. Debbie
    October 6th, 2011 at 10:48 | #4

    I was an MK and grew up at boarding school. For the last five years I have been plodding through a process of healing, step by step, which has been addressing my issues of abandonment. My emotions were dysfunctional, my anxiety was out of control, my loneliness was always there even when I was surrounded by people, I never felt equal to my peers, I had a lot of anxiety when I had to discipline my kids, I was overprotective of them, I lacked emotional intimacy with my husband…it felt like post traumatic stress, like scabs had been ripped off, revealing carefully hidden sores that I began to clean out. I was still wearing a “coat” in the summer which I had put on in the “winter” at the boarding school and it was hampering my relationships and joy. I read the book Changes that Heal and it changed my life. It helped my find the underlying issues that were causing all the symptoms in my life. As I became aware of them, my eyes were opened to the fact that my perceptions were distorted by coping mechanisms from the past. It taught me how bonding (we went to boarding school from first grade on…), boundaries, separation of good and bad, and growing into adulthood with internal permission to disagree…had “gone into hiding” when I was young and I delayed my development in these areas because it wasn’t safe. Now it was not too late at the age of 49 to bring these areas of development into the light and to nurture each area until they came out of hiding and bloomed to maturity. They are not mature yet, but I have come far enough to experience the light at the end of the tunnel. For those sexually abused, The Wounded Heart has spoken profoundly (another book). I would be glad to engage anyone in discussion of how each area of completion or maturity effects our day to day life.

  5. More Than Disgusted
    June 30th, 2011 at 12:55 | #5

    I am a parent of MKs, abused as an adult miss.
    My heart goes out to all the MKs and that’s why I keep reading here.
    Maybe we can help? Maybe we can be a part of the healing process? Maybe we can STOP THIS!

  6. Anne
    June 29th, 2011 at 09:45 | #6

    Thank you for your kind words. That was the first time I’ve ever expressed myself via the computer. I am so sorry for what you all had to endure. There was no safe place for you to fall. Even telling the people that loved you most (your parents) was a no no. I trained with some of your abusers and am sure I know at least one of those that were abused. There is something so special about children and all children I come across I try to leave a little bit of love with. When I was in Training I was accused twice of being gay because of my affection with children. How ridiculous to be accused of this because I formed a group once a week with kids. Meanwhile their were young lives being ripped apart in the Mk dorms and no one was observant or caring enough to stop it. I’m so very sorry for all that you had to endure. Thank you for your virtual hug. Right back at you.

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