Naomi Cleaves (Quilliam)
Naomi Cleaves (Quilliam)
When I was 7 or 8, I started having panic attacks in the dorm at night. They had no idea what they were and had my mom take me all the way to Dakar to see a doctor. They may have had something to do with the dorm dad coming into our rooms at night with his torch and looking at us laying in just our undies because of the heat. I don’t know if it was just part of there job but it never felt right to me and I remember a few occasions when I lay very still and pretended to be asleep while he had a good look, because I thought if I moved he would know I was awake and would do something bad to me. I didn’t know what. I also witnessed stuff that didn’t feel right to me.
When I was in the little dorm one siesta time I was swinging from a string on the ceiling and it broke. My nose hit the edge of a desk and instantly swelled up. I am pretty sure I broke it. The dorm parents put ice on it for about half an hour then sent me back to school with my eyes almost swollen shut and a splitting headache. I am pretty sure I broke my toe as well when I was 12 but by then I knew that no-one cared so I never told anyone. It was forbidden to move or speak or play in siesta time and one day our beds were completely infested with earwigs. We were not allowed to get out of our beds. We were all pinched multiple times. I have a few other cases of times I was in physical pain but wasn’t cared for.
As far as emotional neglect, we were woken up with a yell, called to breakfast with a bell, went back to the dorm to tidy our rooms then there was another bell to tell us it was time to go to school. There was a bell to tell us it was morning tea and when morning tea was over then at lunch. Then we had a siesta and a bell told us it was time to go back to school. A bell when school finished, a bell at supper time then back to the dorm where we had minimal supervision showering and getting ready for bed then we had the dorm parents full attention as a group while we had devotion and sung a few songs and had a snack then the dorm dad gave us all a hug (sometimes) and we went to bed. They were meant to be surrogate parents! They were busy with there own families in there own section of the house. I craved attention from them at first but after a while I wanted as little to do with them as possible. After the school shut down I couldn’t understand why my parents kept telling me what to do when they had sent me to boarding school where I had learned to look after myself with the support of my friends since I was 7. I resented the authority they tried to enforce over me.
I also had a severe fear of men ( I am still getting over this ) I couldn’t even look at a man let alone talk to one. I would have panic attacks if a man talked to me or even looked at me and would go hysterical internally if one touched me! I intensely hated any man that seemed to care about me or who wanted to be friends. I hated Dwain (sorry Dwain) and Mr Rabe (sorry Mr Rabe). Dwain, because he was friends with some of the other girls, and Mr Rabe, because he seemed to care! I am sorry if anyone takes offense at this but as I said, it was because he genuinely cared! And I am over it now. I am sorry I ever felt like this. This fear of men even extended to my dad and my first paranoid delusion involved him
I have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenic episodes and have had them since I was 14 years old. The schizophrenia is apparently caused by guilt which I believe I have from Fanda, I wont go into that too much because it involves more people than just me. It has to do with Miriam’s sexual abuse as she mentioned in her story and the abuse of another friend who hasn’t put her story out there officially yet and also all the guilt and feelings of no self worth that the adults an Fanda “encouraged”. The wives of the abusive dorm dads seemed to hate us girls and were very harsh and uncaring. I felt like I was being blamed for something by them.
I also had SEVERE depression that started when I was 12 years old. For many years I didn’t want anything to do with God. I rebelled against Him and my parents in the form of self destructive behavior (smoking, binge drinking, drugs, self harm, general carelessness and self disrespect) and attempted suicide and was hospitalized when I was 18. I also fell pregnant when I was 18. Things did get better for me after that and I was over the depression by the time I turned 20. I am now a firm believer in God and thank Fanda for my knowledge of my faith.
I was never sexually abused at Fanda like some people were. Everything that happened in the dorm affected me though, whether I was a direct target or not. All of what I have said about Fanda hardly scratches the surface but it may give a general idea of why I had my psychological problems. I didn’t go into specific details about specific people. The dorm parents had a serious and difficult job and none of them were properly trained, qualified or equipped for the job. The system was bound to fail. And to add to it all, the dorm parents were looking after hurt children already who needed extra care.
The leaders of the school did not make sure that the children were being properly loved, nurtured, protected and look after. As a child at Fanda, I felt worthless, unimportant, uncared for, unloved, a burden… Maybe if the children felt like they, and what they had to say, had value, they would have spoken up sooner and more loudly and prevented any further damage!
Ever since I was a teenager I have felt a bit like NTM is a law into itself. Anyone can join, hide behind God, do whatever they like and nothing can be done about it! Admittedly I was VERY angry back then and have forgiven now but it is an issue that NTM needs to address! Also I think that a lot of things were hidden because they did not want to look bad! They claimed they were Christians guided by God and, thus, always did the right thing. They never listened to us, they would rather believe the adults.
Abuse of any kind done by religious authority figures is spiritual abuse.Many who are abused in the so called Missions Residential schools,are traumatized for life. Often folks turn to drinking,drugs or other compulsive behaviours to cope.It can cause one to be really really angry in God and to disbelieve in God. It is abuse on two levels.
There is nothing I can say that truly will help except my heart is with you, my spirit is with you. I write about this kind of thing all the time.Sometimes I have gotten some threats as it is tied to cultural superiority complex within some churches.No one admits to the problems of pedophilia within missions.Anyone who stands up is criticized as being anti-Christian or anti Christ. I say that it is those sick people who do these things that are destroying Christianity from within.
But as for your story.May the peace of God dwell within you.
“The dorm parents had a serious and difficult job and none of them were properly trained, qualified or equipped for the job. The system was bound to fail. And to add to it all, the dorm parents were looking after hurt children already who needed extra care.
The leaders of the school did not make sure that the children were being properly loved, nurtured, protected and look after. As a child at Fanda, I felt worthless, unimportant, uncared for, unloved, a burden…”
Very well put. It would be best if boarding schools were all closed, except maybe for teenagers.
I don’t believe people who choose ministry to tribal peoples should even have children if they are not prepared to home school them/protect them/nurture them. If they do choose to have children they should be fully prepared to provide all of their needs within the family and/or local community.
It is shocking that missionary couples accepted that they somehow could abdicate this responsibility in the name of God and get some sort of free pass for it because they had a religious career. I understand that they were lied to, assured that boarding school was *fun*, like summer camp(!)- but now that the world knows the truth, how can anyone still buy into that lie?!?
i just want to put this at the top of the page again so that noone thinks that i do not see the log in my own eye.
@Tuti Hess
Thank you Tuti, for your support:) No-one on the Senegal field knew how to help me. That is another thing NTM may want to look into, qualified counselors on each field instead of thinking that if you have issues it is because you are not in fellowship with God and what you need is to get yourself right with God.
Hi Naomi, Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate your courage for it takes courage to go against the flow Gods spirit gives us boldness. Forgive me for not trying to reach out to you more. I saw you were hurting but was to concerned about my own life at the time. Graciously God gave me a wonderful husband and 4 kids. I remember your beautiful but sad face. I remember you with your head down all the time and not smiling or talking. How can God bear the anguish and pain I really wish sometimes He would come back now to put an end to the suffering. My heart goes out to you, so very sad and mad for you and everyone who has been hurt.
I am doing a parenting course through my church at the moment and it teaches that we should allow our children to exercise there God given free will to make there own choices then it is up to us parents to support them, if they ask, through the consequences. It is not our job to control them, in fact that is impossible. Anyway, this course has taught me a lot about Gods relationship with us, his children. He gave us free will. He lets us make our own decision and make our own mistakes but He is always there to support us and give us the wisdom to get through our consequences if we only ask Him.
I went through a stage not long ago where I thought it was irresponsible of God to allow us to make our own choices even when they were harmful. I thought “I wouldn’t ALLOW my children to hurt themselves!” . But I am coming to realize that the only way we learn anything is through experience and thinking through solutions. We rebel against “wisdom” that is forced on us but when we ask for wisdom and are given the choice of taking it or leaving it we will usually take it. How well God knows his creations! However, this doesn’t mean that I would allow my child to put a knife in the toaster
He also gave free will to abusers. God did not abuse anyone. Yes, he allowed it to happen but how often has he allowed ME to make bad choices that have been damaging to myself and to others around me? We are not Gods puppets.
Dear Debbie and Susan
My wife, Faith, is a survivor of sexual abuse. Her dad raped and molested her from the time she was 9 or 10 until she was almost 18 years old. He was a pastor at the time. It is so hard to believe that a professing christian could do such evil, and even harder to consider that they actually use God and His word as a cover for their filthy sin. (Jude 1:4) I can only imagine God’s outrage at what they are doing. Jesus said in Luke 17:2 “It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones”. I am so sorry for what you have gone through,and I don’t know just how God is going to deal with offenders, but He will. I know that I am on the outside looking in and that I can’t truly know the pain that you feel, but as a pastor I often encourage my folks who are hurting and in need of healing, to reach out and help someone else who is hurting. Faith first came forward a few years ago with her story in order to protect another victim. Since then Faith has grown tremendously and has truly begun to heal for the first time , she has shared her testimony openly to our church and in conferences that we have done. This is something that she never thought was possible. We will be praying for you. Even though you don’t know the people who started this site, I know they will love and pray for you too. http://speakingtruthinlove.org
Such sorrow. Such ugly darkness. I too was abused, here in the states. Christ loving name was twisted and used against me, How deeply that must grieve a loving Jesus. Words can not describe the depth of pain nor how far reaching it is in the lives of those of us who have endured such betrayal. It is indeed hard to work through the idea of a Loving God when his name is used to do Satan’s work. I do believe that hurting a child in the name of Jesus is one of Satan’s blackest lies. It is so good to know that God understands this wound, and that the journey towards healing is filled with questions and anger and tears and disbelief and under it all a deep desire to know that He is truly good,but that much needs to be dealt with before we can be at peace. The journey towards healing is a painful one. and it takes a lot of courage to face the past. But it is a worthwhile season of pain. We need to take this journey to be able to look at and know truth, and worth, and just how precious we are to our loving Lord. i do not preach, I speak from experience. By the age of 5 I had been abused in every way by 6 different people. It didn’t stop there, the abuse continued over the next 8 years and 2 more abusers were added to the list. Abuse is almost all I can remember from my childhood, along with happy feelings about Christmas. After several years with a wonderful Christian psychologist who specializes in this area I can look back on my journey through darkness and Know that Jesus WAS there with me the whole time, even when I didn’t have the least bit of hope, he was there, loving me. He understands. Who can comprehend the mind of one that hurts a child? But then, who can comprehend Calvary? I am so sorry for the pain endured by so many at your boarding school. How desperately you must have longed for safety and the loving arms of a parent who cared. My heart weeps with yours for all the wrong done. This man is no doubt living in his own nightmare. He will have to face his God, I cannot imagine that anguish. I have worked hard on forgiving myself, for self blame is part of the way this thing often works itself out. I desire to forgive those who have wounded me so deeply. I have not arrived there as of yet, but I want to let go of all that entails, so that I may live out the rest of my life resting in the peace of God. This is very hard. But once again, it is the best thing I can do for myself. I wish you well on your journey. Your sister, Debbie K.
Susan, thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear that your boarding school experiences were also bad. Have you tried counseling? I find it helps a lot to talk to someone. Email us anytime.
Susan, I am so sorry to hear the sadness in you.
I’m sorry that you are scarred from being sent away from your parents, the ones that God entrusted you to, and were raised in a boarding school.
I’m so sorry that your life has been this badly affected by what you’ve been through.
I promise to pray for you tonight.
None of you will know me, but my cousins grew up in Brazil with New Tribes.
I, myself, grew up in Nigeria, W. Africa.
I went to a boarding school for 12 years there.
My life has been hell for 40 years.
It took me 30 years to accept myself.
I am a loner. I depend on no-one. There is no-one.
I do blame the church for messing up family units in the name of God. The whole mission set-up was so wrong in the ’50′s.
But my childhood in Africa was the best thing. I cherish it. I never wanted to leave Africa.
But I am scarred internally from the boarding school. My friends from school think I over-exagerate, and they don’t help me at all.
I have trouble with the churchy-do gooders from my school. I have trouble with kids whose parents stayed with them at school.
I hate a lot of things all the time.
A lot of anger–a lot of hurt deep inside.
I am one of the nicest people, but I will never be normal. I could have gone way farther in career, because I have a high intelligence. But, I was too scared of life.
Naomi this is so true. Often people equate forgiveness to the elimination of consequences. When we choose to forgive the consequences of our abuse are not swept away. If we have physical injuries they will need time to heal or if the injuries are more serious we may be handicapped for the remainder of our life on earth. Emotional and spiritual injuries though not visible may cause pain throughout our lives.
In the same light our forgiveness does not eliminate the consequences to an abuser. They need to be held accountable for their actions. If not we become enablers and an offender feels that all he need do to be right with God is say the magic words “I’m sorry, please forgive me.” and throw in a few tears and everything will be just fine. Just as his apology doesn’t remove the consequences from his victim neither does forgiveness by the victim remove the consequences for the offender. If an offender is truly repentent, he would show his sincerity by willing to accept responsibility and consequences by resigning and turning himself over to the law for any criminal activities he may have committed.
Just because i forgive someone doesnt meen that i dont think they should take the consiquence for what they did.
Benjamin I did not mean the above to attach you since I found out you were also a student I though you were an adult observer. I am so sorry to hurt you of course you couldn’t do anything.
But I am so angry at “adults” who observe things and don’t do anything about them.
One thing I have noticed is that those of us who were abused are child advocates. We have to stand up for the kids who are little now. I am sorry I kept my mouth shut for so long. We need to make a lot of noise about this now to protect kids. Also if we as MKs can bring this out in the open maybe the many who have been abused in SS, Youth groups, clubs and camps will be able to give their stories.
Benjamin
This may sound very harsh but if you were an adult and there at Fanda when this happened they don’t need your nice words. Now is the time for righteous anger not nice words to survivors.
They need you to stand up for them and get the NTM to acknowledge their sin. The mission is responsible to take action to right this situation. Amoung the many other things they need to do they need to restore to supporters the money donated to support the abusers, NTM vouches for the character of their missionaries. It seems they like having abusers among their staff otherwise they would have dismissed them. If you know of people who supported this pedophile tell them the truth of what he really is surely not a missionary. And don’t tell me about all the good missionary work he did, there is none. If any good happened with him involved it was God working in spite of him.
The concept of “forgiveness” that is going around in Christian circles is nothing but a big cover up of sin. Forgiveness is not the answer to abuse. The articles from Fuller are so right. Forgiveness doesn’t make everything alright so you can go on with your life like nothing happened. The idea seems to be if the victims forgive the pedophile can go on his or her merry way doing his or her acts of violence and just get forgiven again. The gut fear of men never goes away for survivors of abuse from men. The trust we should have in people always has to be built sometimes taking years for those who are close to us. I never slept soundly for at least twenty years after I was married because in my sleep I didn’t even trust my husband. My husband is the most non abusive person I have ever known. I wont go on but the damage done to children lasts their whole life. And the pedophiles go on have a good time in their denial of doing any wrong.
Stand up for these survivors and tell them you are on their side. Don’t worry about the fact that the mission may not do anything, that is not the issue. If you don’t stand up and do what ever you can you are on the side of the wrong doers. This is a war against sin. If you go back and just comfort the wounded who is doing the fighting. If you are not wounded fight!
Thank you Benjamin for your encouragement and support but I am surtainly NOT the Proverbs 31 woman. And my husband and children stand behind me when I say this
(really, Paul laughted when he read it) I am the first to admit that I am not the perfect christian, no matter how much I want to be! God doesn’t fail but I do. I forgive because I need forgiving.
And Dr. Dale S Ryan, also at Fuller
There are few topics more dangerous than ‘forgiveness’ when the context is abuse. Forgiveness has been (and is) used against people who have been abused. It is presented as something you must do — under threat of divine punishment. It is presented as something you ’should’ have done a long time ago. It is as if you become the ‘bad person’ in a relationship if you fail to forgive. . . and nothing can fix that, nothing is more important — not even the abuse you are trying to forgive. On top of all this, there are all kinds of things that mimic forgiveness without having any of it’s substance. You can forget what happened and pretend that is the same as forgiveness, but it’s just forgetting, not forgiving. You can stop feeling about what happened and pretend that is the same as forgiveness, but it’s just not-feeling, not forgiveness. So what is forgiveness? Is it good for us? And how the &^%$ to you do actually it?
http://www.recoveryfromabuse.com/wordpress/?page_id=62
Here is what David Augsburger, Professor of Pastoral Care at Fuller Theological Seminary says about forgiveness.
Actually, I have a significant hesitation about ever encouraging people to ask for forgiveness. Requests of this kind can very easily contain a coercive element. When I ask you to give me forgiveness, how can you say ‘No’? You may not be able or ready to forgive yet. Asking can easily feel like demanding. It can become a kind of pious blackmail.
The twelve steps have a much better, and more biblical, instinct about what is appropriate if we have injured someone. The focus is not on asking them for forgiveness but on making amends. If I have injured someone, it is not appropriate for me to ask them to give me something. What I need to do is to become entirely ready for God to change me and then to make amends for the wrongs I have done. The focus is not on asking for something but on demonstrating repentance. I can go to the one I have injured and say “I have wronged you. I recognize that. I deeply regret what I have done. I will live now in a different way. And I hope that someday forgiveness will be possible between us.” This takes the injury seriously and allows the injured person however long they need for the process of forgiveness to move to completion. It is very different from just requesting that the person I have harmed change how they feel about me.
My own view is that forgiveness in the absence of repentance is almost meaningless. It may sound gracious and loving but usually the person who forgives prematurely, preemptively or unconditionally is trying to avoid the hard work of the forgiveness process. It’s saying “I don’t want to struggle. I can’t carry this any longer. I can’t face the burden.” This leads to a religiously sanctioned form of denial which allows the person to wash their hands of the circumstances. In this case my “I forgive you” may mean only “I refuse to look again at the injury you have caused.” In this kind of denial both the person who is injured and the person who is responsible for the injury are devalued. If you are a person of deep, deep worth and significance that I prize, loving you as I love myself, and so am I, then the injury invites us to talk about it. Not just to say “this doesn’t matter.”
Forgiving institutions. Well. We can’t live without institutions but we must recognize that institutions live to protect themselves. Survival is one of their major motivations. And members of institutions will make decisions in order to survive that independently they wouldn’t think of doing, but as an institution they simply must for the sake of self preservation. So, in one sense all institutions and organizations are unforgivable because they do things that violate others. They are principalities and powers. But they can be transformed. That’s the hope of the reign of God – that institutions can be called to accountability and that they can practice repentance. For example, Luther said absolutely heinous things and unforgivable things about the Jews. Last year the Lutheran church recognized that, distanced themselves from that particular part of Lutheran teaching, and expressed an apology. The Pope cooperated with Nazism during World War II. At last the Roman Catholic church three years ago came to recognize it’s need for repentance about that. There’s something to be said for giving a sincere apology rather than giving an account. Institutions can do that. Unfortunately they usually only do it when they think they are going to survive better by having done it.
Read the whole interview here. http://www.nacronline.com/emotional-issues/the-f-word-forgiveness-and-its-imitations
This isn’t directed at anyone in particular, but has to do with the topic of forgiveness.
Hi Naomi,
I am glad for what you have shared. Thank you. I’m proud of you. You have shown real maturity in the way you have presented your story.
I remember observing you and your friends at the time some of this was happening. The group of you were self-harming and withdrawn, trying desperately to be independent and not need anyone. It was hard for me, because you distanced yourself from me as well. I really cared about you and was concerned for you. I wanted to help you, but i had no idea what i could do. I feel like i let you down. Please forgive me.
I am really glad that you have decided to forgive those involved and have found a measure of healing. God is good. We all look forward to our final healing, salvation and rest when our Saviour appears. Until then He gives us the strength we need.
We live in a fallen world, among fallen human beings. And i know i’ve been part of the problem for many people. That is why i can only pray, “forgive me my sins as i forgive those who sin against me”.
I thank God when i see you today. You truly are a Proverbs 31 woman.
thank you so much Shary. your comment almost brought me to tears. i feel like i am not alone in my experiences and the psycological reactions they have caused.
Naomi I understand where you are coming from. I was not sexually abused but watched the dorm father abuse my older room mate every night. He though I was asleep.
I too have had a fear of older men. Men younger than me don’t bring that panic response. Since I am 66 most of them are dying off.
I am praying for you Naomi. I am asking that God put some wonderful loving men in your life.
i just read your comment, i hold no grudge against you, we were all victims, we were all frightened and there was nothing you could’ve done. but i’m glad u remember
naomi, it is so good to see you write on here. i kinda wrote everything in bits and pieces but i totally agree with you. I felt ABANDONED, WORTHLESS, UNLOVED, AND CONSTANTLY AFRAID. we had one teacher who was just wicked, as well! the things we had to hear and endure. what makes me sleep well at night is knowing that God will judge each person involved and everyone who knew but pretended not to see.
I am feeling so many emotions as i read this. I want to encourage Naomi and applaud her for telling this. She suffered so much and the affects are so irrefutably common for this tortured childhood. the shared story of her experience and the others will bring release and movement toward wholeness.
I so hope NTM gets professionals, really licensed experienced therapists to show them how to respond with integrity and how to provide for healing. All these wounded need professional help and they need to not have any concern with how to pay for the help they so need.
oh Naomi, I’m so sorry.
Naomi, thank you so much for your story. Once again, my heart is broken for you, and for everyone else who has a story to tell.
You are an amazing person, wonderful mom, and I pray that you will be healed completely one day.
I love you!